Review of 2018

Here's a review of 2018 as seen through my columns:

January saw me share these wise words - 'When you're an octogenarian you have to live for every day, so I'm going to learn to love January and February as much as April and May'.

In February, we learned Plume Plotter charts and shares where emissions from proposed Corby waste plants in Shelton Road and Gretton Brook Road will likely travel. 

I also encouraged all women to attend smear tests, urging them not to die of embarrassment.

March saw the #NotYou campaign, highlighting groups who would no longer be able to use Corby's Urgent Care Centre under the CCG's then proposals, and the 'Beast From The East' - or proper winter as it was once known.

In April I confessed that in other people's houses I turn loo rolls round, so the paper is hanging over the top (the right way).

May saw me discussing dementia as Dame Barbara Windsor's diagnosis had just been made public.  By being more open and discussing dementia it will reduce any stigma that still exists.

In June, we got the sad news that M&Ss in Kettering and Northampton were closing, and I didn't want to make a 'pants pilgrimage' to Rushden Lakes.

We were also faced with the plans to disband Northamptonshire County Council and create two new unitary authorities. 

In July, the World Cup and I confessed in poetry that I'm a little bit in love with Gareth Southgate. 

August saw the first Grow festival in Corby, and there was the gormless giant garden gnome grappler of Kettering who made headlines worldwide.

I discussed scroll-free September, and that I miss proper travel programmes presented by people like Judith Chalmers.

In October, I broached the possibility that some of the county council's woes could be caused by unfair funding as well as incompetence.

November and I'd enjoyed this year's Bake Off, and mused whether it was time to stop burning effigies on bonfires and selling fireworks to the public, but allow organised displays.

In December, we had the Brexit 'field trip' and I'm A Celeb.  What will 2019 bring?

Shop on the High Street

You may remember me saying in previous columns I stopped all online shopping about six years ago.  I didn't like the way certain large web-based companies were starting to dominate retail and smaller traders were going out of business as a result.

Fast forward to this year, and we've lost our M&Ss from Kettering and Northampton.  Yes, I'm still grieving for their demise as I was in Kettering's Marks nearly every week while my daughter was at her music lesson.

Before M&S shut in August, I was chatting to one of the ladies on the till. I asked her how long she'd worked there, as I knew it had been quite some time.

It turns out, at the end of August she would have celebrated her 40th year with the company, having worked in the Kettering store all her life.  I'm hoping that she was redeployed to a nearby store, although I've yet to see her in M&S Food Hall in Corby.

The reason I'm sharing this is to highlight the human face of shop closures.

We of course see the shut shop on Kettering High Street, the black-covered windows looking distinctly funereal and, in a way, the town centre is in mourning for its passing.  If a national institution like M&S is struggling, things must be tough.

We can do something about it though.  We can choose not to buy all our goods online, but physically go into our town centres and shop there, if we are able.

Yes, it would help if car parking prices were cheaper, as this would perhaps encourage more people to head into town, and this year's roadworks in Kettering haven't helped.

But if you haven't got all your presents yet, please head into your local town centre.

Go and shop in independent stores, like those in The Yards or Corby Old Village, and spend in some of the larger shops too, as they all need our support.

As the saying goes, use it or lose it - and we don't want to see any more job losses in our towns.  Let's make sure everyone has a Merry Christmas.

I'm A Celebrity 2018 - congrats King Harry!

Is it just me, or has 'I'm A Celebrity...Get Me Out Of Here' been at its best this year?

I've previously only dipped in and out of the programme, but this time I was hooked from the start.

Yes, it wasn't quite the same having Holly instead of Ant, but she worked well with Dec and having a female perspective on the camp and the trials and tribulations I felt was a welcome addition.

In fact, the show seemed kinder all-round somehow.  There's been less drama, less tension, and the campmates gelled and actually cared for each other, which was lovely to see.

I know in some quarters people will think that this made it duller, but with all the hideousness that goes on in the world, and people being constantly bullied and trolled on social media, I found it a welcome relief to see that humans can just get on with each other.

I particularly liked the way they all looked after Anne Hegerty, who was very open about having Asperger's and struggling with some aspects of life.  This condition is under-diagnosed in women and girls, and hopefully her honesty will give encouragement to others who feel that they too are a bit different and sometimes misunderstood.

Harry Redknapp was a revelation - absolutely hilarious, probably unintentionally, completely devoted to his wife Sandra, but I'm still waiting to discover the full story of how he accidentally ran her over, was it in his 'peng ting' Range Rover?!

I knew Noel Edmonds would be good value, having watched him compete in 'Eight Go Rallying: The Road To Saigon' earlier in the year.  No, I couldn't believe he was nearly 70 either, obviously hanging out with Mr Blobby is the secret to eternal youth - who knew?

I have to say that I liked all of the campmates, and thought it was good how the different generations worked well together, were tolerant of each other and cared for the older contestants and those with special needs.

Perhaps society needs to become a bit more 'I'm a celeb' - but without the cockroaches and gross eating challenges, thank you!

Brexit field trip

Think back to when you were at school, going on Geography field trips or similar.

Imagine there were two teachers accompanying your trip - one, an experienced leader, mature, sensible; the other, less experienced, a bit gung-ho, reckless even.

You reach a rickety looking rope bridge, stretching across a very deep canyon.  No-one's sure what's on the other side - this is before thorough risk assessments, the internet, detailed maps even.

You all stop and survey the scene.  The canyon is seemingly bottomless, the bridge looks decidedly unsafe, you're all a little bit scared.

The sensible teacher says that we'll all stay this side of the bridge.  She doesn't know what's on the other side, the route looks unsafe, and she's thinking of the good of the whole party.

The other teacher says that a glittering future and endless riches could be on the other side, and that we should risk it all, whatever the consequences.

What would you do?  Would you listen to the experienced leader, the one who seems to have everyone's best interests at heart?  Or would you follow the promise of something which may or may not be true?

I know I'd be firmly on this side of the canyon, trusting what I can see with my own eyes and putting my faith in a person who wouldn't lead us all into disaster for the sake of their own personal glory or ambition.

That's how I feel about Theresa May and the current Brexit situation. 

Whether you like her or not, I'd put more trust in a conviction politician like her not to lead us to disaster, which is what a no-deal Brexit would be by all accounts.

Politicians from all parties need to remember that they are there to serve us, the people, not gamble the country's future while keeping an eye on furthering their own careers. 

For the good of the whole United Kingdom, the time has surely come to put aside personal ambition and party differences, work together and find a Brexit solution that's right for everyone?

Spice up your life

It's easy to be cynical about the Spice Girls' reunion and forthcoming tour.

Any negative comments I've seen about it seem to suggest that they are only doing it for the money.

I thought that this was a strange thing to accuse them of, to be honest.  It was as if being paid to perform was a bad thing.

Do these people think the likes of Mick Jagger and The Rolling Stones are still gigging for the good of their health?  No, I don't imagine that they are.  I assume they must still enjoy it, but don't think for one minute that they'd put themselves through all that for nothing.

The nostalgia market is huge - many 80s bands and solo artistes are still touring - so why shouldn't the Spice Girls and other 90s acts?

I must add at this point that I didn't consider myself to be a fan of their music.  But Chris Evans played a montage of their songs instead of Serious Rockin' one Friday morning, and I don't mind admitting that I found myself singing along and even doing a small jig while ironing (no easy feat!)

One listener even texted in to say that her little boy had just been fitted with hearing aids having been profoundly deaf.  For the first time ever, he'd started dancing while listening to the Spice Girls' music.  I'm sure I wasn't the only one who appeared to have something in their eye while listening to Chris read out that text.

The point I'm trying to make is, whether or not you like the Spice Girls, it doesn't really matter.  They make people happy, they make people dance, and thousands of people are paying to see them perform live again.

Let's stop being so cynical about music, artists, their motivation for performing etc.

Let's just acknowledge the fact that everybody's different, we all like different genres of music, and one isn't necessarily better or more valid than another.

People of the world, it really is time to spice up your life!

Radio 2 - if it ain't broke, don't fix it

'If it ain't broke, don't fix it' - not the most grammatically correct of sayings, granted, but true nonetheless.

On many occasions I've uttered this mantra and saved myself a lot of unnecessary stress and heartache.

I think the bosses at Radio 2 should have also said this to themselves before they changed the format of the Drivetime show.

They had a popular presenter in the shape of Simon Mayo, they had a winning formula of chat, confessions and cookery amongst other things.

But for some reason best known to themselves, they decided to throw this all up in the air and parachute in Jo Whiley to co-present with Mr Mayo.

Now, don't get me wrong, I love Jo Whiley, and I've made no secret of the fact that when I grow up I want to be Jo Whiley.  She's like the cool girl at school we all wanted to be best friends with and of whom we were slightly in awe.

But the lack of professional chemistry between Simon and Jo - who have been friends for 25 years, so it's not like they don't get on - was painful to listen to.

In fact, I had to stop listening, because it made my ears hurt and I couldn't concentrate on cooking the dinner while cringing so much.

Now Simon has resigned and is heading for pastures new - rumoured to be Smooth FM, but who knows.

Jo has been given back her evening show, which is where I first listened to her on Radio 1 with Steve Lamacq.

Sara Cox has been announced as the new host of the Drivetime show, and I like her a lot, but would have preferred her on the breakfast show where she more than ably covers for Chris Evans in his absence.

I just hope they leave Popmaster with Ken Bruce and Steve Wright in the afternoon just as they are. 

Otherwise for lots of listeners serious jockin' will become serious leavin'!

Great British Bake Off 2018

Ooh, wasn't this year's Bake Off good? 

The final had me on the edge of my seat, too close to call who the ultimate victor was going to be.

I thought Kim-Joy had edged it, but Rahul was crowned the winner in what must have been the closest final in the show's history.

Rahul appeared to genuinely not know how good he was throughout the series.  How this was possible as time went on and he received Hollywood handshakes almost every week is beyond me, but his lack of self-confidence and his Eeyorish quality of doom-mongering and always anticipating the worst outcome was endearing, if not a little stressful to watch at times.

I may take up Ruby's use of positive post-it notes - we saw a shot of her flat, with messages like 'I am the Bake Off winner' etc on the fridge - and post mantras such as 'You're doing your best' and 'Your food is almost always edible' to give myself encouragement.

I wasn't sure about the out-of-the-tent experience of camp fire cookery if I'm honest, and I don't think adding a Bear Grylls element to Bake Off was necessary.  Having said that, if I ever want to cook pitta bread alfresco, I now have a better idea of the pitfalls that could await me.  Forewarned is forearmed, as they say.

The companion show Extra Slice with Jo Brand, provided a fun-filled hour of out-takes, behind-the-scenes clips, discussions with the baker who'd been voted off, and also an opportunity to see the culinary creations of the nation each week.

Never again will I be able to look at a hedgehog cake or Colin the Caterpillar in quite the same light though.  Some of the photos sent in by viewers were bordering on frightening - I can only hope these horrors were not presented to a child as their birthday cake otherwise years of counselling will ensue!

So that's GBBO over for another year, and I'm missing it already.  At least we've got the Stand Up To Cancer fundraising celeb version to look forward to - bring on the bakers!

For the love of dogs

Now I love dogs.  In fact, I would almost go as far as saying that these days I prefer most dogs to most humans!

I don't mind seeing dogs in pubs, cafés and restaurants - I would much rather have well-behaved dogs sitting quietly under their owners' chairs and tables than badly behaved humans of any size running amok.

Dogs are, on the whole, brilliant.  They are loyal, they love you unconditionally, they are always pleased to see you, and become a huge, important part of the family.

So that's why it didn't really surprise me to read that the main sticking point in sorting out Ant McPartlin and his soon-to-be-ex-wife Lisa's divorce is their mutual love for their chocolate Labrador Hurley.

It's been reported that each party wants sole custody of him, as they say their current shared agreement of him spending one week at each other's house isn't working, and they're finding it too upsetting at hand-over time.

Now, I don't know Ant and Lisa personally, but if I did I would tell them this -  in fact I would say it to anyone going through the same situation - you need to put aside your own feelings and think about what's best for Hurley.

Just as you would do for a human child, he's your fur-baby, and deserves just as much consideration as if you'd given birth to him yourselves.

Yes, hand-over time might be jolly uncomfortable for you both, but you have to think of your dog's happiness.

By all accounts, he adores both his Mum and Dad, so how could you deprive him of the right to see either?  You wouldn't do this to human babies, so please don't do it to your dog.

Ant and Lisa both seem like decent people, so I'm sure they can find a way to make sure that Hurley remains a priority in their new lives. 

A dog is for life, even if a marriage sadly isn't.

The latest craze?

Picture this - I'm sitting there one lunchtime, watching the News at 1pm, as is my habit now I'm a worker from home.

Then the newsreader starts talking about Brazilian Butt Lifts, and I nearly choke on my cheese and pickle sarnie.

What, seriously?  I didn't even know such a thing existed!  Admittedly, I'm not a subscriber to Plastic Surgery Monthly or any other such publication, but even so, how did I not know about this?

I put down my sandwich, lest there be another near-choking incident while I listened to the segment, which described in graphic detail the procedure, the risks involved, and then heard the horror stories direct from the patients' mouths about what went wrong when they had this operation overseas.

It turns out that this is the most risky cosmetic procedure you can have.  Because of the size of the gluteous maximus muscles, they have large blood vessels, and the fat - which is removed from another part of the patient's body to be used to enhance the buttocks - can be accidentally injected into the wrong place and can cause all sorts of problems.

There is a risk of infection - one lady flew home from abroad with a sky-high temperature and then had to have IV antibiotics to try to cure her.

There is a risk of scarring - oh yes, unfortunately we were shown very scarred posteriors - but also, sadly, people can die from undertaking this procedure, paying the ultimate price for wanting to change the way they look.

According to this news item, there's a trend for tiny waists and massive, cartoon-like backsides which resemble two beach balls defying gravity.

This is the image some people see on social media and want to copy.  But is this worth running the risk of dying for?

No, I would vehemently argue that it isn't, and I think it's so sad that in our selfie-obsessed world people are going to such extreme measures for what is a very unrealistic and unhealthy idea of beauty, or indeed booty.

On the doorstep

I'm sure that I'm not alone in sometimes taking for granted what we have here on our doorsteps in North Northamptonshire.

Not very far from the hubbub of the towns with the convenience of their shops, cinemas and theatres, we have beautiful countryside, woodland and country parks.

There's stunning architecture, historical buildings and beautiful churches in both the towns and villages.  We go on holiday far from home to see such sights, but sometimes fail to appreciate what surrounds us every day.

I must confess that I felt like this when I popped over the border to visit Peterborough.  I hadn't been there for a few years, and had forgotten how magnificent the Cathedral is.

The reason for this particular visit was to see Tim Peake's Soyuz space capsule, which is on display until 5th November.

This seemingly incongruous marriage of modern space travel and ancient religious architecture should be wrong, but somehow it's so right.

The tiny space capsule - which housed three fully-grown men on their descent back to Earth - is dwarfed by the magnificence of the Cathedral which has stood proudly on that spot for 900 years.

Quite how the spacemen fitted in this gadget which looks like a glorified industrial washing machine is beyond me - but as my daughter reminded me, they were all seated for their journey. Even so, sardines in a tin seems an apt analogy.

It's well worth a visit to see, and there's also Tim Peake's spacesuit in a glass case which looks like it might just fit me, a Soyuz gift shop, as well as a virtual reality pod, which happened to be shut on the day we were there though.

If you do go, remember to have a good look at the Cathedral while you're there.  As well as being the final resting place of  Mary Queen of Scots and Catherine of Aragon, look up and marvel at the frescoed ceiling which apparently includes a depiction of a monkey riding backwards on a donkey, but I couldn't spot that particular gem!

Northamptonshire - three sides to the story?

There are three sides to every story - each of the opposing viewpoints, and the truth, which often falls somewhere in between.

With this in mind, I've been giving a lot of thought to the current state of Northamptonshire County Council, and where the county as a whole now finds itself.

We've been told that the mess we're in is purely down to incompetence at county council level.

But what if it isn't as simple as that?  What if that's only part of the reason, and the other part is because of a lack of fair funding, leading to a 'perfect storm' situation?

If that is indeed the case, what concerns me is that without additional money from central government, how can the two new proposed unitary authorities possibly succeed?

I've read an article which stated 10 other councils are under financial strain, and have seen NCC referred to as the 'canary in the mine', with people waiting to see what happens here.

So while of course it can be acknowledged that there has been some incompetence, I think it's time to also consider how a lack of funding has made the situation even worse.

Lack of funding for public services appears to be rife - for example, anyone who works or has children in the current state education system knows there's a lack of funding there.  The NHS is under terrible strain, there have been huge cutbacks in Policing.  But because everybody's focus remains on Brexit - when will that ever end? - attention has been elsewhere.

But local people, affected every day by loss of bus services, poor road maintenance, closing libraries, and indeed all of their public services cut to the bone, aren't going to forget in a hurry what's happened here in Northamptonshire.

I've even been told 'I've voted Tory all my life, but never again, not after what's gone on in this county, it's a disgrace.'

When there's rumblings like that in the shire, it's time for people to listen and make some changes, or face the inevitable consequences.

Bodyguard

I know everybody's talking about Bodyguard, the BBC Sunday night show, but I'm afraid I can't join in with the discussion because I haven't seen it.

I fear I may be the only person in the country who hasn't, but I just didn't get around to watching it.

Perhaps at this point I should also confess that I'm not watching Killing Eve, and I've never seen a single episode of Downton Abbey or Game Of Thrones either.  But as I'm not a TV critic, I don't suppose that really matters.

Getting back to Bodyguard, I'm not sure how, or why, but I started watching Eight Go Rallying: The Road to Saigon which clashed with it in real time, at least I think it did, and then I never got round to seeing it on iPlayer.

Eight Go Rallying was quite good actually, but it didn't quite generate the same amount of interest and discussion around the nation's water coolers as the fictional Home Secretary's fictional personal protection officer - Noel Edmonds is perhaps disappointed that he lost that particular battle.  He came out with some one-liners that were certainly worthy of the nation's attention.

I have been watching Michael Palin in North Korea though, but again this doesn't seem to be making people want to talk non-stop about it, while others shield their eyes and ears and shout 'No spoilers!  I'm watching it on catch up!!'

In a way though, it must be greatly reassuring for the BBC that they have produced a show which has captured the country's attention in such a fashion and caused so much group discussion. 

With the endless competition from satellite, cable and online providers, it must be getting increasingly difficult to win market share of programming.

It's even been reported that 'the Bodyguard effect' has caused a spike in interest for jobs in that field, but having seen a picture of the actor, Richard Madden, bloodied and bruised wrapped in a blanket, I'm not entirely sure why!

Scroll-free September

There was a call for people to go social-media-free for a month with 'Scroll-free September'.

Along the same lines as Dry January and Stoptober, I think the idea is that after a month not doing something, you tend not to go back to doing it the same as you did before. 

So could you, or are you trying to, go social-media-free for a whole month?

I gave this some serious thought - I had an enforced absence from all means of electronic communication for a week when the lightning took out mine, and most of my area's, broadband at the start of the school summer holidays.

While this was a massive inconvenience - I work from home, after all - it did take me back to a gentler time, a time before we relied totally on our PCs for all our information, and were at the beck and call of e-mails.

There was no Facebook!  Or Twitter!  I remained blissfully unaware of all the things that I normally find on there - admittedly, sometimes useful information like road closures - but there was no negativity, no complaining about dog poo, or youngsters misbehaving, no pictures of dog poo or pictures of stray dogs, and no photos of people's dinners etc.

Admittedly, I'm fairly new to social media in the great scheme of things - I lived for over forty years without it - but one thing I'm yet to understand, and probably never will, is some people's constant need to share every aspect of their lives for all and sundry to see.

I'm a believer in sharing important news with your nearest and dearest, either in person, on the phone or by text; I figure that nobody else is really that interested.

But could I give it up completely for a whole month?  Sadly no, as that's how I find out about what's going on where I live, the good as well as the bad.

I do limit my use though, and choose not to receive notifications.  I've also been trialling 'social-media-free Sundays' (my own creation!), perhaps worth a try if you're also trying to cut down.

You cannot be serious!

Now I like to think of myself as a reasonably patient person - although my nearest and dearest may sometimes disagree.

But lately, as I get older, I feel that I'm told information that makes me want to shout, in a John McEnroe-type way, 'You cannot be serious!'.

As this is happening with startling regularity, I feel the need to share.

Firstly, and I'm sure I'm not alone here, absolutely everything that's gone on with Northamptonshire County Council, and continues to do so. 

The fact that funds were spent on purchasing a hospitality box at the Saints' Rugby ground was - raises eyebrows as far up forehead as physically possible - surprising, to say the least.

And why weren't we all invited to the B17 flypast at Grafton Underwood?  I like to see vintage aircraft as much as the next person.  I'm also very partial to cheese, and wonder what exactly was on the council's £250 cheese board?

Moving on, I was enjoying a quiet coffee outside a café when the chap at the table next to mine returned to his family to inform them that he'd ordered breakfast, but he was having to eat fried egg on toast as his preferred option of scrambled egg was unavailable because, and I quote, 'the lady who does the scrambled eggs isn't here today'.

Seriously, what?  How is that even possible?  It was a café, serving breakfasts, from a menu that clearly stated 'scrambled eggs', it did not say that 'scrambled eggs only available if Denise is here'!

Then I went to my Doctor's surgery and our usual receptionist wasn't there.  I successfully renewed prescriptions, but asked to book my annual asthma review and flu jab.

This was obviously a request too far for the replacement receptionist, as I was told that she didn't know how to do this and that I'd have to ring the main branch surgery.

Without being harsh, how can you be a Doctor's receptionist and not know how to book appointments?! 

So, what did I do?  Despite my exasperation, I simply replied 'OK, thanks', and thought I'll call back next week. I'm just hoping our usual receptionist returns!

Season of mists and new series of GBBO, The X Factor and Strictly Come Dancing...

Never mind the drop in temperature, you can tell it's Autumn because the terrestrial television schedules are packed with new programmes after a summer of what can best be described as blandness.

When I say new programmes, I mean new series of shows that have been running for what seems like an eternity - step forward The X Factor and Strictly Come Dancing - now the prelude to Christmas. 

Note Christmas cards appeared in the shops mid-August this year - soon they'll be available at Easter!

But I'm particularly pleased to welcome back Great British Bake Off to my small screen - that's my Tuesday nights sorted.

Even after just one episode, I'm well and truly hooked - I already care about the competitors and the quality of their bakes.

Not that I agreed at all with Prue and Paul's first week choices for star baker and who left the tent for good.  In my opinion, Briony should have won the coveted apron, and Terry the moustache man should have gone home.  No offence Terry, but I'm not sure that the brandy-snap creation even fulfilled the self-portrait biscuit brief.

I will concede that Imelda, who sadly did leave, made a self-portrait that looked like a small child starting nursery had drawn it, but she did admit at the outset that she wasn't much of an artist.

So I already have my favourites - Briony from Bristol, Anthony the Bollywood baker, and Rahul, who I think could also have an alternative career in The Big Bang Theory if GBBO doesn't pan out, as he's a nuclear scientist.

I hear Manon, the baking blogger from Brittany (yet more alliteration, sorry), is tipped to win, but her self-portrait biscuit was a rather worrying shade of green, like she'd just been on the pirate ship at Wicksteed Park, where I witnessed my brother turn that exact same shade having enjoyed that particular ride.

I shall continue to watch with interest of course, especially as Sandi and Noel appear to have swapped hair-stylists, and Prue is channelling her inner Dame Edna and sporting some rather splendid new specs...

If heaven is a place on earth...

If Belinda Carlisle is right and heaven is a place on earth, then it surely follows because of the law that for every action there's an equal and opposite reaction, that there must also be a hell?

Buffy the vampire slayer found hers in Sunnydale, California, but I've stumbled upon one a lot closer to home - Ikea, Milton Keynes, on a Sunday.

I'm guessing that many of you are laughing at the naivety of even contemplating heading there at a weekend, but in my defence, I haven't been to Ikea for a very long time, so had no idea of the horrors that would await.

Indeed, when we arrived in the car park at about 10.40am, we were pleasantly surprised to see spaces available.  On entering the shop, which didn't seem too crowded, we discovered why - it doesn't officially open until 11am.

Armed with this knowledge, we headed to the café which was already open - this then gave us our first indication that maybe a rainy Sunday wasn't the best time.

Unsure as to the protocol, we collected mugs and headed to a cashier for guidance.  She told us the hot drinks were free before 11am, and we also got free refills.  She smiled benignly when I expressed amazement at this fact, and I asked her if that's why it was so busy in the café.

A look, which I can only describe as a mixture of fear and anticipated doom, flickered across her eyes as she said sadly 'Oh, it's always very busy on a Sunday'. 

I'll be honest, the free hot chocolate was the highlight of the four hours we spent trudging around the shop, with what seemed like the entire population of Milton Keynes, possibly Northampton, and everywhere else in between.

All human life was there - much like on the Divine Comedy's 'National Express' - from the elderly to screaming babies and children.

I knew some kind of madness was setting in when an elderly lady literally ran past me, clutching a neon pink chopping board like her life depended on it, and we couldn't find the checkout and exit, but were stuck in an endless loop following arrows on the floor.

Maybe next time, we'll go in the week...

Exam results time

It's exam results time, and all across the country youngsters, and their parents, are anxiously awaiting the news.

In my day, you had to wait for the Post to arrive to find out how you'd got on - now I guess while some collect them in person, others find out by e-mail or text.

I'm always reminded of my school's exams officer at this time of year.  A formidable lady, Miss C was also kind, extremely efficient and our typing teacher.

One of her expressions has remained with me to this day - 'use a bit of gumption'.

I recall the first time she told our typing class this phrase, some people turning to each other and asking 'what's gumption?', or 'isn't that like Jif cleaner, does she want us to clean the desks?', which is probably one of the reasons she felt the need to say it to us on such a regular basis!

Gumption is common sense, sadly lacking sometimes in all walks of life, although to give a bit of credit to some of my typing class I do think it's also some kind of branded cleaning product as well.

I don't think it's something that can be formally taught, it's usually passed on by family and friends, or by learning from experience and mistakes.

Often the cleverest people just don't have it - their brains are so full of really mind-blowing technical information that there's just no room for the common sense necessities of life.

The reason I'm mentioning this now, is that while exam results are important, they are not the be all and end all, as my mother would say.

Using your common sense - gumption - and working hard, can also help you achieve and get on in life.

So for any young people out there who haven't got the exam results they wanted, please don't worry.  Please talk to somebody if you're upset.  You can always re-sit if you need to - you're young, you have plenty of time. 

The case of the gormless giant garden gnome grappler

'The case of the gormless giant garden gnome grappler' is a book title that Agatha Christie probably would have rejected on the grounds that it just featured too much alliteration, or contained a crime that was too unbelievable.

But this is no work of fiction, it's a very real case, and local in fact.

If you missed this story originally, a couple from Weekley Glebe Road in Kettering had their two-foot tall garden ornament stolen, but the hapless thief was pictured on CCTV, manhandling the oversize gnome before careering headfirst through a fence, like he was auditioning for You've Been Framed.

Sadly, the gnome was later found smashed to pieces, whether as a deliberate act of trying to conceal evidence or just another example of the miscreant being unable to stay upright whilst carrying such a large item of decorative garden fixture, who knows?

The footage has been seen by millions worldwide after it went viral on social media, and was even featured on news sites around the globe.

I have to say, I preferred it when Kettering was known for Wicksteed Park and being the home town of comedian James Acaster and the band Temples, but at least there is now a footnote to this story with a happier ending, as reported in the Northants Telegraph.

Northamptonshire Police officers very kindly bought the elderly couple two replacement giant gnomes, which they did in their spare time lest anyone churlishly accuse them of misuse of police time.

What a lovely gesture, and one that the couple are said to be 'chuffed' with.  It goes part way to restoring your faith in human nature, doesn't it?

The garden gnome grappler is still at large however, but let's hope he has learned his lesson and leaves these and any other outsize neighbourhood ornaments, well enough alone.

It may have been a joke gone wrong, or a drunken prank, but these incidents can be very unsettling for those to whom they happen. 

An apology would be good, gnome grappler!

The hottest, or driest, summer since 1976?

It's official, apparently - it's the hottest, or the driest, summer since 1976.

As I saw somebody say on Twitter, anyone reminiscing fondly about the summer of '76 didn't have a car with vinyl seats.

As somebody who did, I can confirm that peeling yourself off them on a hot summer's day whilst wearing shorts or a sundress was an extremely unpleasant and painful experience!

The hot weather has an unfortunate side effect though - apart from the horrendous thunder storms which knocked out my broadband for five days at the time of writing.

I was woken in the night by the storm which broke the run of extremely hot, dry weather, and took myself off to the bathroom - the inevitable result of being woken in the night when middle-aged - only to have the room illuminated while I was in situ.  My main thought was 'please don't let me be struck by lightning when on the loo!', as that's not a sight I'd want the emergency services to face.

But I digress, no the side effect to which I'm thinking is the seemingly compulsory revealing of as much flesh as possible.

Really, what people do in their own homes or gardens is completely up to them, but when supermarkets feel the need to impose a dress code - i.e. no nakedness please near the fruit and veg - I do have to ask where's common sense these days?

Nobody, I repeat and emphasise, that nobody wants a hairy armpit thrust in their face when they're selecting their veg!

Seriously guys - and it is usually guys, as I've yet to see a topless woman in the supermarket - please pop a t-shirt on when nipping into the shops, if not for decency's sake then for hygiene reasons.

If needs be, channel the vibe of 1976 and think to yourself that you don't want to be burning your back on the car seats on your return, vinyl or no vinyl!

Bank customers are being short-changed

I was sorry to read that Barclays Bank in Thrapston is set to close.  It's always sad to hear that the last bank in a community is to go.

Naively, I thought that the major banks had come to some sort of 'gentlemen's agreement' about not shutting the last bank branch in a town, but it appears that's not the case - at least not here in Northamptonshire.

The same lines are always trotted out by the spokesperson too about the branches not being used as much, the growth in online and mobile banking etc.

But this is forgetting that some people don't do online and mobile banking - some because they don't trust it (that's me), some because they have really poor mobile and internet connections (me sometimes), and some because they prefer to deal with actual human beings (definitely me).

What about small businesses needing change for their tills and to bank their takings?

What about the elderly who like to pop in and pay their bills, get out what cash they need and exchange pleasantries with the cashiers?

Banks seem to be forgetting that we are their customers and they should be there to serve us and our communities - we entrust them with our money, and expect to be able to easily visit a branch and see them when we need to.

Let's not forget that when the Visa system crashed so spectacularly the other week, all those reliant on cards alone were stuck, unable to pay for goods and services.

When the TSB computer system left people unable to access their accounts, wouldn't it have been good if their customers could have headed into a branch and sorted out their problems instead of spending huge chunks of their lives on the phone being repeatedly cut off?

The banks need to remember that not everybody is a young, tech-savvy urban dweller with the latest smartphone and no cash in their pockets - and indeed it's very insulting that's what the major banks seem to think makes up the bulk of their customer profile these days!

Let yourself GROW

I could imagine hearing it on the radio.  Me, on Chris Evans' Breakfast Show, on the segment where the kids usually ring in to say what they've done for the first time, but during the summer holidays it's adults, presumably because anyone under the age of 18 is still fast asleep.

'Next on the line we have Helen, from Northamptonshire.  Hello Helen, what did you do for the first time?'

'Well Chris, on the first weekend of the summer holidays my family and I went to the inaugural Grow Festival in Corby - and performed with one of the acts.'

'Wow, that sounds exciting!  Tell us more.'

'It was the Maritime Show, featuring a pair of pirates.  It took place outside the Paletto Lounge and Corby Radio.  First up my daughter had to confirm that the eggs being used for a juggling act were real, by shaking one, listening to it and then cracking it open on my head - she, quite wisely, refused the last part.

'I then had my mind read in an amazing feat of telepathy using cards - the pirate quite rightly said that I wasn't thinking of the ace of hearts.

'But my husband had a starring role.

'He was selected from the crowd because he was tall, bronzed and looked like a Greek god from the island of Domestos, or so the pirates said.  This made me laugh heartily, perhaps a little too heartily in husband's eyes.

'He then had to become the glamorous assistant who held a seven feet high unicycle steady while the pirate climbed aboard, using husband as a human ladder.  After this he had to throw three cutlasses at the pirate, who then proceeded to juggle them from his unicycle.  Husband received a well-deserved round of applause for his gallant efforts.'

'That sounds great Helen - mark the experience out of 10.'

'Ooh, definitely a 10 Chris!'

Not what you usually expect to see in Corby town centre on a Sunday morning, but a thoroughly enjoyable and well organized event - thank you to all involved.  We're looking forward to next year's already!

I'm a little bit in love with Gareth Southgate...

I'm a little bit in love with Gareth Southgate,

It's hard to explain, but here goes...

I love his natty ties, and his waistcoats,

And his long, noble, crookedy nose.

I'm a little bit in love with Gareth Southgate,

And in truth with some of his team.

I love Kane, Dele Alli and Trippier,

Maguire and his 'put the bins out' meme.

I'm a little bit in love with Gareth Southgate,

He seems like a nice, decent bloke.

He trained a team we could all be proud of,

Which doesn't happen often to us English folk.

So I'm a little bit in love, Mr Southgate,

Could I have one of your big, warm hugs?

Can you come and help us sort out Brexit,

I'll make the tea, builders' strength, in mugs.

We need more people like (Sir) Gareth Southgate,

Who can make England unite once again.

Football may not have come home this time,

But in another four years, who knows then?

I'm a little bit in love with Gareth Southgate,

This much I know to be true.

He made me care about English footie again,

So can I just say a big 'thank you!'

Northamptonshire's woes by Helena Handcart

I sometimes think I should write this column under the byline of Helena Handcart.

Despite being repeatedly informed that the UK is the sixth richest country in the world, it sure doesn't feel like it if you're a resident of Northamptonshire.

Without wishing to sound like a broken record, every week we hear of another council service that's being reduced.

At the time of writing, the latest item on the seemingly endless list of cutbacks is road gritting.

Admittedly, while I'm sitting here at my computer in 80 degree heat 'glowing' unpleasantly - there's an image for you all, apologies if you're eating! - road gritting for winter seems like a long way off.

But cast your minds back to just March this year and the snow drifts that were nearly double the height of my little Fiat 500.

I rejoiced when the gritter went past my window on a nightly basis, knowing that this meant we hadn't yet been completely cut off.

If the council want people to be able to leave their homes to go to school and work, then gritting the roads is a necessity, it's as simple as that.

We've already lost vital bus services - the children from Gretton that attend Corby Business Academy, who relied on the service bus to take them to and from school, have a temporary bus in place until the end of this term but haven't been told what's going to happen after that. 

As the county council has a statutory duty to ensure they get to school, I can but hope that plans are in place for them - it would be good if they let the parents know this though.

Also, I have been asked to tell you that the Future Northants information and questionnaire about the proposals for the local government changes in the county are available in hard copy format from council offices, libraries, leisure centres etc for those unable to access it online.

Please take the time to complete this and let those in charge know how we feel about what's happening to our beloved Northamptonshire.

Football's coming home?

It's happened to me again - I've gone from being ambivalent at best about the World Cup to being an avid viewer. 

If you recall, this also occurred with the Olympics, both summer and winter, and other sporting events to which I claim to not have an interest.  It's making me think that perhaps I do care more about sport than I would like to admit?

Anyway, having said that, I only watch the England matches in full, and then dip in and out of other games depending on what else is on the television, but as this is something I've taken to doing entirely voluntarily, it's a bit of a turnaround.

You see, the problem is I vividly remember Euro 96.  I knew the words to Three Lions, and my friends and I used to sing it loudly - maybe in tune, who knows? - and for a moment in time we truly believed that football was indeed coming home as promised.

Then it didn't, and it hasn't since 1966 - which I don't remember before anybody cheekily suggests that I do!

But now we've started to dream again.  Watching the Panama game on a very sunny Sunday afternoon, we started to believe that maybe, just maybe, it's going to be our year.

The players are younger and seem hungrier for victory.  They're not mentally-scarred by the penalty shoot-outs that we never seem to win.  They actually look and act like they could be winners.

But whoa there, I should try to rein in my enthusiasm at this point.  This is what we always do.  We all start hoping, then put too much pressure on the players' shoulders, and that's when it starts to fall apart.

We've got quite a way to go yet, let's not get ahead of ourselves and dare to dream.

But with Harry Kane's penalty taking skills (as demonstrated against Panama), who knows, perhaps Gareth Southgate's got a team that can win actually win a penalty shoot-out.

I'm not sure my nerves - and Gareth's, let alone the rest of the nation's - will stand it though!

Northamptonshire's unitary authority proposals

I suspect there are more people with knowledge about the latest Love Island exploits or World Cup final matches than there are those who have been given information about the plans for local government in Northamptonshire.

In summary, central government has proposed that the failing county council - and the district and borough councils - all be abolished and replaced with just two, one-tier unitary authorities, responsible for everything from pot holes to caring for the elderly and vulnerable.

Arguably, it seems unfair that successful district and borough councils are being punished for what's happened at county council level, and the proposal leaves far more questions than it answers. 

For example, what is going to happen to the debts left behind from the county council - do the two new unitary authorities inherit this and start life from negative positions?

What about existing council house stock, particularly in Corby and Kettering?  Where will the new authorities be based?  Will there be job losses?  Will council tax rise throughout the county?

As far as I'm aware, and from attending the public meeting at the Corby Cube recently, Corby Borough Council is the only one holding a public consultation with every household in its borough, and sending out information and a questionnaire to ask what people think about this huge change.

Surely they shouldn't be unique in doing this?  This major decision affects everybody in the whole county.  It's not an exaggeration to state that this is probably the biggest change to local politics in our lifetimes.

An online questionnaire is available at www.futurenorthants.co.uk, but this is reliant on people being aware of it and being able to access it.

The Secretary of State's guidance states that 'there must be a good deal of local support for the proposals'. 

However, it's very difficult for people to give their support or otherwise if they haven't got the relevant information and been asked the question in the first place.

Why not carry out a postal consultation with every household in the county - surely that is the only fair way to ensure that everyone in Northamptonshire has the information they need to give their informed opinion?

Competitive life events

Now, I could tell you that I'm not a competitive person, but anyone who knows me would straight away shout 'that's just not true!'.

As I make a habit of always being truthful in my columns, I will confess to being a smidgen competitive, but only with important things like quizzes, air hockey, and computer games like Mario Kart or the motorcycle simulators you get in arcades at the seaside.

But not when it comes to major life event celebrations - for example, my wedding was a simple affair, ditto daughter's Christening.  I don't agree with spending large sums of money on one day, admittedly a fairly important day, but just one day in your life nonetheless.

That's why I just can't get my head around the latest life-event competition - funerals.

Why on earth would anyone compete over funerals?  I know it's a 'thing' because there's loads of TV adverts now dedicated to ensuring you've got enough cash for a good send off.

For example, the endless over 50s life insurance ads, and the lady who liked stargazer lilies, her friends commenting what a lovely funeral she had, but they couldn't possibly afford one like it unless they take out insurance.

What?  Who cares?!  I hate to break it to you, but because you'll be dead when it happens, you won't know what your funeral's like.  Or I suppose depending on your religious viewpoint you will perhaps be able to view it somehow, but even so, what does it really matter?

Honestly, when did we become a nation of folk who partake in competitive dying and subsequent send-offs?

Without wishing to destroy an entire industry and make coffin craftspeople unemployed, wouldn't it be better for the environment if we were dispatched in strong biodegradable cardboard coffins or similar?  Why use the finest oak on something that will either be cremated or buried six feet under?

Surely death is our chance to stop keeping up with the Joneses' - why not keep it simple and just rest in peace?